Child grooming
55% of young people have communicated with someone they first met online.
Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked.
Child grooming
On line child grooming
Face to face child grooming
Child grooming tactics
Sings of sexual grooming
Prevent child grooming
What is child grooming?
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child’s inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse.
Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked. Child grooming is regularly used to lure minors into various illicit businesses such as child trafficking, child prostitution, cybersex trafficking, or the production of child pornography.
Grooming can take place over a short or long period of time – from weeks to years. Groomers may also build a relationship with the young person’s family or friends to make them seem trustworthy or authoritative. Grooming involves the person building connection and trust with a child and family over days, weeks, months or years. For example, the person might befriend a family and seem to have an amazing connection with the child. The person might gradually spend more and more time with the child. This lays the groundwork to prepare a child or young person for sexual activity at a later time.
Anybody can be a groomer, no matter their age, gender or race – man or woman, friend, stranger or professional. A groomer could be a relative, family friend or someone from a family’s place of worship. Or a groomer could be a sporting coach, teacher or child care worker.
Children and young people can be groomed online, in person or both – by a stranger or someone they know.
Online child grooming
Sexual grooming of children also occurs on the Internet. Some abusers (sometimes posing as children themselves) chat with children online and make arrangements to meet with them in person. Online grooming of children is most prevalent within the 13–17 age group (99% of cases), and particularly 13–14 (48%). The majority of targeted children are girls, and most victimization occurs with mobile-phone support. Children and teenagers with behavioural issues such as “high attention seeking” have a much higher risk than others.
Pedophiles and predators use online grooming to carry out cybersex trafficking crimes. After the pedophile gains the trust from a local cybersex trafficker, often a parent or neighbor of the victim, the online sexual exploitation will take place.
Children and young people can be groomed online, by a stranger or someone they know.
When a child is groomed online, groomers may hide who they are by sending photos or videos of other people. Sometimes this’ll be of someone younger than them to gain the trust of a “peer”. If grooming is happening online, the person might pretend to be a child of the same age or a celebrity. They might target one child online or contact lots of children very quickly and wait for them to respond.
The person might use text, instant messaging, online chat and so on to build a relationship with the child. A groomer can use the same sites, games and apps as young people, spending time learning about a young person’s interests and use this to build a relationship with them.
Children can be groomed online through:
- social media networks text messages and messaging apps, like WhatsApp email text, voice and video chats in forums, games and apps.
- Children and young people being tricked or coerced into sexual activity over chat, video or photos.
- Live streaming, or ‘going live’, has become more and more popular with children and young people. While it can be a fun way for them to socialise and express themselves, children and young people can be sexually abused on these platforms. This is known as ‘non-contact’ or online sexual abuse and can be just as harmful as ‘contact’ sexual abuse.
In cases of online sexual abuse, children may never meet the offender face to face, with all abuse taking place over the internet – via images, webcam or live streaming. Or, the abuse may begin online but lead to a face to face meeting or contact (in person) abuse. Offenders trick or force a young person to share a sexual image, strip or perform sexual acts on webcam or live streaming platforms. They may do this by:
Relationship building – grooming the child, building a relationship with them in which the child feels love or loyalty to the offender.
‘Catfishing’ – creating a fake identity to target a victim for abuse. This could include using fake profile phots and pretending to be the same age as the child, building a friendship or relationship.
Getting personal – using information the young person has shared, such as their sexuality, personal problems or family difficulties, against the young person, to get them to go on live video or share a sexual image.
Making threats – once they have an image or video they may use it to threaten them, telling the child that if they don’t do what they say, they will share the image or video online.
Children can then feel trapped and forced to do whatever the offender wants. This can start a cycle of abuse, with offenders making increasing demands for the children to appear on video and perform sexual acts.
Grooming happens in very similar ways in person and online, but can be easier for offenders to do online because:
- games, social media, live streaming platforms and chatrooms provide opportunities for them to make contact with children to try to groom them
- they can create multiple online identities and even pretend to be children and young people to trick real children into chatting and sharing
- they can find out a lot about children before
- they make contact by looking at the things the child has posted. Using this information they can target children and carefully plan what they will say and show an interest in
- they can also contact lots of children very quickly in the hope that one will respond
Sexual abuse that takes place completely or partly online:
can make a child or young person feel powerless or that there is no escape from the abuse as technology is part of their everyday life and used in safe spaces, such as their bedroom, home or school.
can involve offenders threatening to share photos or videos to keep control over a child. These threats can make it difficult for a child to feel the abuse has come to an end as they fear that images will be out there forever
can make children feel they are to blame for sending images, even if their actions were directed by the offender
can cause psychological problems in the same way as contact abuse, such as nightmares, flashbacks, phobias, depression, anxiety or self-harm
Groomers may rely on mobile phones, social media and the internet to interact with children in inappropriate ways and will often ask the child to keep their relationship a secret. The grooming process may continue for months before the offender arranges a physical meeting.
Whether online or in person, groomers can use tactics like:
- pretending to be younger
- giving advice or showing understanding
- buying gifts
- giving attention
- taking them on trips, outings or holidays.
- Groomers might also try and isolate children from their friends and family, making them feel dependent on them and giving the groomer power and control over them.
- They might use blackmail to make a child feel guilt and shame or introduce the idea of ‘secrets’ to control, frighten and intimidate.
It’s important to remember that children and young people may not understand they’ve been groomed. They may have complicated feelings, like loyalty, admiration, love, as well as fear, distress and confusion.
If grooming is happening face to face, the person might find ways to get to know a child and the child’s family and offer to take the child on outings. The person might buy the child or family treats or gifts. Or the person might give the family and the child compliments and make them feel special.
The relationship a groomer builds can take different forms. This could be:
a romantic relationship
as a mentor
an authority figure
a dominant and persistent figure.
Signs of sexual child grooming
Grooming works by using patterns of behaviours that allow an offender to make a child strongly believe that what is happening is ok, normal or love, or makes them feel trapped. Some of these behaviours are:
Building a relationship. Grooming is about making a child think that abuse and exploitation is normal, or that they have no choice. Offenders do this by building a relationship and emotional connection with the child.
What might be happening?
trying to convince the child that they are in a loving relationship as boyfriend or girlfriend
relationship building over a short space of time – not seeking to be a boyfriend or girlfriend, but to make a quick connection. May be through flattery or pretending to have lots in common
becoming a mentor to the young person, making them think they are someone who can help them or teach them things
becoming a dominant figure in a young person’s life, perhaps by having a relationship with their parent or carer
building a relationship with the child’s family, making them think that they are someone who can be trusted with the child
Gaining power over a child. In all grooming, the offender will try to gain power over the child, to manipulate or coerce them.
What might be happening?
emotionally intimidating the child by threatening to withdraw their affection or saying things like, ‘if you loved me you would’
telling the child there will be terrible consequences for refusing to do something sexual
mimicking love. If a young person feels they are in love, this gives an offender power
developing a dependency on drugs or alcohol so they can control them through addiction
meeting a need, such as emotional needs, shelter, money
Keeping it secret. In all cases offenders will try to make sure that the child doesn’t tell anyone else about the abuse.
What might be happening?
telling the child that no one will believe them
threatening to share secrets that the child has told them
telling children that they have done something illegal and will be in trouble
using the above power advantages against the child
Signs of grooming in children aged 0-11 years
Many of the signs of grooming can look like normal adult‐child relationships, which is why grooming is difficult to spot.
But here are some signs that might indicate that your child or the child you’re caring for is being groomed.
Your child:
has unexplained gifts like new toys or clothes
doesn’t want to talk about where the gifts came from
is getting lots of messages from someone they only know online
talks a lot about a particular adult or older child or wants to spend a lot of time with them
wants to go alone when they meet a particular adult or older person
doesn’t want to talk about what they’ve been doing
stops telling you about their day or asking for your advice
spends more time alone in their room.
Signs of grooming in teenagers
These signs might indicate that your teenage child or the teenage child you’re caring for is being groomed.
Your child:
is in a relationship with a much older boyfriend or girlfriend
has unexplained gifts like clothes, jewellery or electronics
doesn’t want to talk about where the gifts came from
doesn’t want to talk about what they’ve been doing, or lies about it
is skipping school or sporting activities
is spending less time with friends or changes friendship groups suddenly
is getting lots of messages from someone they only know online
doesn’t want other people around when they’re with a particular girlfriend or boyfriend
doesn’t talk with you about thoughts or feelings anymore.
Signs someone is grooming parents
Grooming often involves gaining the trust of a child’s family or carers.
These signs might indicate that someone is grooming you or your family with the aim of sexually abusing your child or the child you’re caring for.
The person:
offers to take your child to sports or other activities, or offers to babysit or take your child camping
offers to mentor your child, individually coach your child, and so on
buys gifts for your family
offers to do things for your family, like repairs or gardening
shows an interest in your child’s activities, wellbeing, school grades or other areas of your child’s life
compliments your family and parenting
plays innocently with your child and touches your child in a non-sexual way while you’re around – this gets you and your child used to the idea of physical contact
tries to start a flirtatious or romantic relationship with you.
Offenders are deceptive and manipulative in the way they work, so it is important to draw on a range of information, such as the warning signs. Identify the signs.
Victims of abuse are unlikely to tell anyone that they are being abused. They may think they are in a loving relationship or friendship, or that they have no choice. That is why it’s vital to be able to spot the signs of child sexual exploitation.
There may be many reasons for changes in the behaviour of a child or young person, but if you notice a combination of worrying signs, it is time to seek help or advice.
If a child or young person is a victim of grooming, blackmail or sexual abuse, they may show some or all of the following signs:
regular absences from school, missing training, work or other activities
going missing for long periods or appearing at school extremely fatigued
being dishonest about where they’ve been and whom they’ve been with
developing an unusually close connection with an older person
displaying mood changes (hyperactive, secretive, hostile, aggressive, impatient, resentful, anxious, withdrawn, depressed)
using street or different language or copying the way a new friend may speak
talking about new friends who don’t belong to their normal social circle
presenting at school with gifts or money given by new friends
having large amounts of money, which they cannot account for
using a new mobile phone (possibly given to them by a new friend), excessively making calls, videos or sending text messages
being very secretive about their phone, internet and social media use, using drugs (physical evidence includes spoons, aluminium foil, ‘tabs’, ‘rocks’ or pieces of ripped cardboard)
assuming a new name, being in possession of false identification, a stolen passport or driver’s licence
being picked up by an older or new friend from school, or down the street
threats to humiliate or share sexual images of victims if they don’t carry out sexual acts.
If a child talks to you about grooming it’s important to:
listen carefully to what they’re saying
let them know they’ve done the right thing by telling you
tell them it’s not their fault
say you’ll take them seriously
don’t confront the alleged abuser
explain what you’ll do next
report what the child has told you as soon as possible.
Prevent child grooming
Encourage transparency in what your children are doing online. You can keep gaming devices and computers and laptops with webcams in the living room or family spaces
Teaching children and young people about healthy relationships and how to stay safe online can help prevent sexual exploitation. It’s also important to make sure children and young people know there are trusted adults they can speak to about their concerns.
There are many different ways in which grooming can occur and it may even be parents, carers or other adults who supervise young people, who are targeted by this behaviour.
Keep in mind that offenders are deceptive and manipulative in the way they work, so it is important to learn more about the warning signs of sexual exploitation, if you have concerns.
Targeting
The groomer could be a male or female and may look for a young person or a group of young people in places such as schools, other places young people frequent or by creating false profiles on the internet. They may show an interest in the child and perhaps offer the child or young person something, for example, a cigarette, food and drink or someone to talk to for support.
Relationship building
The groomer may want to keep contact with their target and even isolate them from their supportive networks. They may give them a mobile phone; make them feel special by complimenting them or do favours for them such as giving them lifts and planning fun activities. This may lead to the child spending less time with their friends and family.
Fake loving relationship or friendship
Victims may enter a fake loving relationship or friendship with the groomer. Within the fake friendship, children and young people may be introduced to sex through, for example, porn or watching sexual acts. The victim may think everything is fine and that they are in control but the groomer is slowly gaining more control.
Control and reinforcement
The groomer may attempt to consolidate and entrap the victim by getting them to do things that can be dangerous or against the law like drinking, taking or selling drugs or criminal activity. This may lead to the child or young person being forced to do sexual favours in return for not being hurt or exposed. This may include violence or threats of violence.
Victimisation
The child or young person may be forced into having sex with others for something they need or want, by either force or persuasion. Groomers can persuade their victims to undertake sexual activities like being filmed performing sexual acts, by using emotional blackmail, and by making it sound normal.
Examples of child grooming behaviour may include:
Giving gifts or special attention to a child or young person, or their parent or carer, making the child or young person feel special or indebted to an adult
making close physical contact sexual, such as inappropriate tickling and wrestling or play fighting
openly or pretending to accidentally expose the victim to nudity, sexual material and sexual acts (this in itself is classified as child sexual abuse but can also be a precursor to physical sexual assault)
controlling a child or young person through threats, force or use of authority making the child or young person fearful to report unwanted behaviour.
Warning signs for your child
Encourage your child to be wary when someone:
asks a lot of questions about personal information soon after meeting
starts asking them for favours and does things in return — abusers often use promises, gifts and favours to gain trust
wants to keep the relationship secret — online groomers typically try to keep their relationships with their targets extremely private from the beginning, asking for it to be something ‘special’ just between the two people
contacts them frequently and in different ways, like texting, through Instagram or online chat services
asks them things like who else uses their device or computer, or which room they use it in
compliments them on their appearance or body or asks things like, ‘have you ever been kissed’?
insists on meeting — tries to make them feel guilty or even threatens them if they are unwilling.
Many of these warning signs can apply to people the child knows in person, as well as to strangers. If your child starts to become uncomfortable about the relationship, they should report inappropriate contact to the site or service used to contact them.
Establish safety guidelines for meeting online ‘friends’ face-to-face
Explain that it is safest to keep online ‘friends’ online. If your child does want to meet someone face-to-face, they should get your permission first — to make sure they’re safe.
Explain that it’s safest to meet in a public place during the day, and they should be accompanied by you or another trusted adult.
Remind them to tell someone where they are going and who they are meeting.
How to protect children from inappropriate contact and online grooming
Look out for your child moving to new platforms to chat. Offenders sometimes encourage young people to move from a public forum, to a game, or more private chat apps or sites. Here, they are able to have private conversations that are likely to be less moderated. It’s always a good idea to remind your child to be wary of people who want them to chat privately. Have conversations with your child about the new apps they are using and who they may be talking to. You can also find information on parental controls to help you to keep track of the apps your child may be installing and ways you can keep them safe.
Use webcam and devices in public spaces. As young people develop, they often seek more privacy and autonomy in both their online and offline world. However, it’s important to consider whether your child is developmentally ready to be left unsupervised whilst gaming or chatting. In particular, younger children can struggle to identify risks they may face whilst online and require supervision to learn these skills. Encourage young people to use their devices in spaces where some level of supervision is possible, for example, a family room or living room.
Encourage your child to identify safe and trusted adults. In their offline world, children are often taught to do as they are told and follow adult instruction. From teachers to parents, most young people are socialised to accept adults authority. Some offenders rely on this acceptance and use young people’s trust in adults to harm them. Help your child to identify adults that are there to help them from ones who they do not know. Encourage their digital literacy by helping them to identify sources on the internet that they can trust and places they should be more cautious. Reinforce the idea that on the internet, adults should not be giving young people instructions or telling them what to do. Young people should ask someone they trust if they are unsure. Visit Thinkuknow for information on how to help develop your child’s digital resilience.
Make sure your child knows where to go for support. Children can sometimes feel partly to blame if something goes wrong online. Remind your child that they can always speak to an adult they trust if they are worried no matter what may have happened. Take time to know how to report on social media sites and apps to prevent offenders continuing to harm.
Why it is never a child’s fault.
It is never a child’s fault if they have been engaged in sexual chat by an adult, however it might seem difficult to understand how this could happen even if conversations about safety and not talking to strangers online have happened.
It is important not to blame your child if this does happen , but also to try and understand what sort of things could influence a child’s behaviour.
Developmental stage: Children’s brains are still developing so it is hard for them to distinguish between fantasy and reality. When they are online they feel invisible and more confident to engage in behaviour that they would not do in ‘real life’.They need support from adults to make good decisions and use the internet safely.
Sexual exploration: It’s natural for children to start exploring their sexual feelings, and talking to people online can feel exciting. Adults can exploit this natural curiosity by talking about sex and introducing new things that might be inappropriate. Direct your child to age appropriate information about sex and relationships at Childline or Brook.
Fear: Adults can pressure, intimidate and coerce children into doing things that they are not ready for.
What to do if your child is a victim of grooming
Your child may not tell you if an online ‘friendship’ has become compromising or difficult because they are embarrassed or ashamed, or afraid it might make things worse. This is what online groomers rely on. Your child may also have welcomed the initial contact until it made them feel uncomfortable.
Be alert to worrying changes in your child’s behavior or mood. Watch for signs of withdrawal, anxiety, sadness or changed interactions with family or friends.
If your child is being bullied online, our guide to cyberbullying for parents and carers can help you to respond.
If your child has provided a photo or given information to someone that they are concerned about, or if they are being pressured to do so, there are things you can do.
Stay calm and reassure your child they are not in trouble
Explain that even adults get tricked into doing things they regret.
Talk to them without being judgmental or angry and make them feel like they can come to you about anything, without fear of being punished or criticized.
Do not cut off your child’s internet access, as they may see this as punishment and not open up to you in future.
Act to protect your child
Call the police immediately if their physical safety is at risk.
Get professional help and support.
Collect evidence
Before you or your child block someone or delete posts or other material, take screenshots and collect evidence, including dates and times.
However, if the material involves sexualised images, be aware that possessing or sharing such images of people under 18 may be a crime, even if you have just taken a screenshot for evidence purposes.
Report
Grooming and procuring of children over the internet are crimes investigated by the police. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, call police.
