I Suspect A Child Is Being abused
No matter what your role is
parent or other family member, coach, teacher, religious leader, babysitter...
You have the power to make a positive difference in this child’s life.
I Suspect A Child Is Being abused
If you are concerned that a child is a victim of abuse, you may not be sure what to do or how to respond. Child sexual abuse is a crime that often goes undetected. No matter what your role is—parent or other family member, coach, teacher, religious leader, babysitter—you have the power to make a positive difference in this child’s life.
Recognize the signs
The signs of abuse aren’t always obvious and learning the warning signs of child sexual abuse could be lifesaving. You might notice behavioral or physical changes that could signal a child is being abused.
Some of these warning signs include:
Behavioral signs: Shrinking away from or seeming threatened by physical contact, regressive behaviors like thumb sucking, changing hygiene routines such as refusing to bathe or bathing excessively, age-inappropriate sexual behaviors, sleep disturbances, or nightmares
Physical signs: Bruising or swelling near the genital area, blood on sheets or undergarments, or broken bones
Verbal cues: Using words or phrases that are “too adult” for their age, unexplained silence, or suddenly being less talkative
Talk to the child
If you are concerned about abuse, talk to the child. Keep in mind a few guidelines to create a non-threatening environment where the child may be more likely to open up to you.
Pick your time and place carefully. Choose a space where the child is comfortable or ask them where they’d like to talk. Avoid talking in front of someone who may be causing the harm.
Be aware of your tone. If you start the conversation in a serious tone, you may scare the child, and they may be more likely to give you the answers they think you want to hear—rather than the truth. Try to make the conversation more casual. A non-threatening tone will help put the child at ease and ultimately provide you with more accurate information.
Talk to the child directly. Ask questions that use the child’s own vocabulary, but that are a little vague. For example, “Has someone been touching you?” In this context “touching” can mean different things, but it is likely a word the child is familiar with. The child can respond with questions or comments to help you better gauge the situation like, “No one touches me except my mom at bath time,” or “You mean like the way my cousin touches me sometimes?” Understand that sexual abuse can feel good to the child, so asking if someone is “hurting” them may not bring out the information that you are looking for.
Listen and follow up. Allow the child to talk freely. Wait for them to pause, and then follow up on points that made you feel concerned.
Avoid judgment and blame. Avoid placing blame by using “I” questions and statements. Rather than beginning your conversation by saying, “You said something that made me worry…” consider starting your conversation with the word “I.” For example: “I am concerned because I heard you say that you are not allowed to sleep in your bed by yourself.”
Reassure the child. Make sure that the child knows that they are not in trouble. Let them know you are simply asking questions because you are concerned about them.
Be patient. Remember that this conversation may be very frightening for the child. Many perpetrators make threats about what will happen if someone finds out about the abuse. They may tell a child that they will be put into foster care or threaten them or their loved ones with physical violence.
Report Child Sexual Abuse
Reporting a crime like sexual abuse may not be easy, and it can be emotionally draining. Keep in mind that reporting abuse gives you the chance to protect someone who can’t protect themselves. Depending on where you live and your role in the child’s life, you may be legally obligated to report suspicions of abuse. You can learn more about the laws in your state by visiting RAINN’s State Law Database.
Before you report
Tell the child that you’re going to talk to someone who can help. Be clear that you are not asking their permission. The child may not want you to report and may be frightened, especially if the perpetrator has threatened them or their loved ones. Remember that by reporting, you are involving authorities who will be able to keep the child safe.
Ensure that the child is in a safe place. If you have concerns over the child’s safety, be sure to discuss them explicitly with authorities when you make the report. If you fear that the perpetrator will cause further harm to the child upon learning about the investigation, clearly communicate this to authorities.
If you are not concerned that the parents are causing harm, you can consult with them prior to making a report to authorities.
If you are a parent and are concerned that your partner or someone in your family may be hurting your child, this may be a very difficult time. It’s important to be there for your child, and it’s also important to take care of yourself. Learn more about being a parent to a child who has experienced sexual abuse and how to practice self-care.
Prepare your thoughts. You will likely be asked identifying information about the child, the nature of the abuse, and your relationship with the child. While anonymous tips are always an option, identified reporting increases the likelihood of prosecuting the perpetrator.
Where to report
If you know or suspect that a child has been sexually assaulted or abused you can report these crimes to the proper authorities, such as Child Protective Services. Reporting agencies vary from state to state. To see where to report to in your state, visit RAINN’s State Law Database.
Call or text the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 800.422.4453 to be connected with a trained volunteer. Childhelp Hotline crisis counselors can’t make the report for you, but they can walk you through the process and let you know what to expect.
After you report
You may not hear or see signs of an investigation right away. Depending on an agency’s policies and your relationship to the child, you may be able to call back to follow up after a few days.
If you are able to, continue to play the supportive role you always have in that child’s life. If making the report means that you can’t have this relationship anymore, know that by reporting you are helping that child stay safe.
Take care of yourself. Reporting sexual abuse isn’t easy. It’s important to practice self-care during this time.
To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.
What to do if child sexual abuse is suspected
If you think a child may have been sexually abused:
Let the child know that you notice a difference (change in behaviour) and that you are willing and available to listen if the child wants to talk (e.g. “You’ve been sad lately and I’m concerned … I’d like to help you if I can. Just know that I’m here if you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you, even if it’s hard to say out loud.”).
Avoid asking the child leading questions that suggest the desired answer.
Report the situation to the Director of Youth Protection if there is reason to believe that the child’s security or development is in danger. You do not have to be certain that sexual abuse has occurred in order to report the situation
What to do if a minor discloses sexual abuse
Children rarely make false allegations of sexual abuse. It is important to believe a child who confides that he or she has been sexually abused. It is not up to the adult who receives a disclosure of sexual abuse to investigate the credibility of the child’s allegations; it is up to the appropriate authorities
Children often disclose sexual abuse in stages, either accidentally or through the odd reference here or there, which makes it difficult for the person receiving the disclosure to know how to interpret the allegations.2
The following guidelines should be followed if a child tells you that he or she has been sexually abused:
Take the time to listen.
Reassure the child that you believe him or her and that what happened is not the child’s fault.
Avoid asking leading questions that might influence the child’s answer or taint his or her testimony.
Try not to judge or react strongly.
Write down what the child says and the context in which the abuse was disclosed.
Do not promise to keep what the child said a secret. Tell the child that you have to share the information with people whose job it is to keep children safe.
Immediately report the situation to the Director of Youth Protection or the police.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
IIf you suspect a child has been sexually abused, it is important to avoid asking leading questions (in particular questions requiring a “yes” or “no” answer) because they can upset the child even more and taint his or her testimony.
Examples of the types of questions to be avoided:
Did someone touch your private parts?
Did you see his penis?
Did he touch you there?
Were you naked?
Did he touch you on top of your clothes or underneath your clothes?
Responding to child sexual abuse
The disclosure of child sexual abuse can affect the entire
family system. If you are a caregiver of a child who has
survived sexual abuse, you may want to seek support
from family, friends, or a counselor at your local rape
crisis center. You may even want to connect with other
caregivers who are going through a similar experience. If
you are able to work through your own feelings, you will
be better able to support your child.
You may be experiencing many emotions right now. Often
caregivers will have feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt
about what has happened to their child. You may have
clear feelings of anger at the person who abused your
child, or you may feel confused, especially if the person
who abused your child is also someone that you love and
trust.
Recognize your own feelings; they are most likely very
normal. Also know that your child may have different
feelings than you, and that is okay. Let your child know
that their feelings are also normal and that there are many
ways to safely express these feelings.
Effects of child sexual abuse may be similar to those
reactions experienced by adults after a sexual assault,
found on the next page. Changes in behavior are perhaps
the most important thing to note in children, since this is
how they communicate. Children may have nightmares,
difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating, display regressive
behavior such as thumb sucking or bed wetting, or a drop
in grades at school.
Caring for a child after a disclosure of sexual abuse can be challenging. The disclosure of sexual abuse creates a crisis for many families. Caregivers may assume that once a child has disclosed that they will feel safe and return to normal functioning. While children are very resilient and can heal from this abuse, healing takes time and patience.
The following are some things you can do to help:
• Maintain consistent rules and structure to increase feelings of safety.
• Give choices whenever possible to allow a greater sense of control.
• Allow them to have ALL feelings and express these feelings in a safe way.
• Recognize their strengths and help them to see their own resilience.
• Listen, believe, and support them-your support is more important than anything else right now
In the vast majority of cases, child sexual abuse leaves no detectable physical evidence. Indeed, the majority of sexually abused children will have normal findings in a medical examination. Similarly, abnormal anogenital findings do not necessarily prove that there has been sexual abuse, as some abnormal physical signs or symptoms may also be due to other causes.
Since only a small percentage of sexually abused children disclose the experience to family and friends, adults want to know what the warning signs are, how they can tell if a child has been sexually abused.
However, there are very few specific signs and indicators, even physical, of child sexual abuse. Changes in behaviour could be a sign that a child has experienced an upsetting event, particularly if the changes persist and are concomitant with other abnormal behaviour.6,8,9
Adults should pay attention to any change in a child’s behaviour, regardless of whether sexual abuse is suspected. Most signs of sexual abuse correspond to the consequences of child sexual abuse. However, the same signs may also be displayed in non-abused children.
For example:
Advanced sexual knowledge
Sexual behaviour problems
Isolation and withdrawal
Aggression
Decline in school performance
Distress around a particular adult
Excessively seeking time with a particular adult
Gifts received without knowing from whom
