The first thing you should know if you were raped or sexually assaulted is that it was not your fault.

Always remember The Only Person Who Responsible For An Assault Is The Perpetrator.

If you have been assaulted, no matter what you do, or don’t do, in any case It Is Not Your Fault.

It’s one thing to say that and another to really understand why.

Why do rape victims feel guilty for being the victim of a crime?

It doesn’t make sense. Cognitive restructuring is a way of looking at the facts and seeing them in a better light. This worksheet can help you reason out exactly why you are not to blame.

Some popular theories on why self blame happens are:

If it was all our fault at the time- then changing that behavior can prevent it from ever happening again. Losing control is a basic human fear. It’s more comfortable to believe that we always had control over our lives.The truth is that we didn’t have control then – the perp did have control over our bodies and lives for that brief period.
What is important to know is that we have control over our healing process NOW. Posting on support groups, seeking therapy and learning coping skills are just a few ways to take back control. This is associated with the assumptive world theory on self blame.

People want to believe that the world is just. This means that if something bad happens that no one can fix or explain – we think we deserved it for some cosmic reason. The term victim means that someone did something bad to a good person. People resort to the just world theory because there isn’t much known in the general public about how to help us. This concept is associated with the just world theory.
Sometimes it’s because no one supported us when we reported. It is easier to believe that a rape victim lied than to believe that someone would commit such a horrible crime. This is also a part of the just world theory.
Do you ever get angry at the wrong person when you have repressed anger? Getting mad at someone who is “safe” to yell at – when a dangerous person really deserves it is pretty common. The dangerous person might find out and retaliate. Turning anger and blame against yourself may be part of this problem. This is a concept associated with stockholm syndrome.
A related scenario of self blame : Children of divorce often self-blame. No matter what anyone else says the child believes that they could have stopped the divorce by being better. The lessons we learn in childhood are the ones that stick with us the longest, so once you start self-blaming (for whatever reason) it grows and mutates into something bigger.

There are two main types of self blame: undeserved blame based on character and undeserved blame based on actions.

These are called Characterological and Behavioral.

Behavioral self blame refers to victims feeling they should have done something differently (therefore they feel it is their fault).

Characterological self blame is when victims feel there is something inherently wrong with them (causing them to deserve to be assaulted). This type of blame is associated with more psychological negative effects.

This is illogical thinking (known as counterfactual thinking) which can be remedied by a therapeutic technique known as cognitive restructuring.

Cognitive restructuring is way to stop illogical thought patterns.

Basically that means sorting out thoughts that don’t make sense and looking at the truth in a better light. The Courage to Heal has an exercise on this topic as does mind tools.

Example I

This is a Behavioral self blame thought: ‘It might have turned out better if I had done something else. I should have cooperated / I should have fought back.’

This is a more reasonable thought: ‘I might have been hurt worse if I hadn’t done what I felt I needed to in order to stay alive.’ or ‘If I hadn’t gone to the party I might have been assaulted anyway somewhere else. I deserve to go to a party and not be raped.’ In other words: you didn’t do anything wrong.

Example II

This is a Characterological self blame thought: ‘I must be a bad person to deserve to be raped and not believed by anyone.’

This is a more reasonable thought: ‘The only reason people don’t believe me is their belief in the Just World Theory. If people knew more about rape trauma syndrome then they would know how to help me instead of derogating me to my fate.’ In other words: there is nothing wrong with you. Your character is just fine. There is something wrong with society and with the perpetrator.

If a person makes someone angry and they killed the person- would that be considered justified bc they made them angry enough to loose control?

People are expected to control themselves enough not to commit crimes.

There are two main theories behind victim blame:

The just world theory and the invulnerability theory.

The Just world theory states that:

“Individuals that have a strong belief in a just world can have this belief challenged when they encounter a victim of random misfortune such as a rape victim. The individual wants to believe that the world is a safe, just place where people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. Even when evidence suggests otherwise, the individual is very reluctant to give up this belief that the world is not just. In the face of contradicting evidence, research suggests (Kleinke and Meyer, 1996) that people with a high belief in a just world will do one of two things: either they will try to eliminate the suffering of the innocent victims or else they will derogate them for their fate. Since it is impossible to reverse the crime of rape, and thus relieve the victim of her suffering, the rape victim is often subjected to derogation and blame. In this manner, the person who believes in a just world can maintain this belief as there is no longer a suffering person, but a woman who deserves her misfortune.”

The invulnerability theory states that:

Some people blame themselves because it is a way to think ‘you’ had control over the situation. If it was your fault, then you were in control. It wasn’t your fault and you weren’t in control – but you are in control now. Understanding that there are some things we don’t have control over (like world peace and the actions of criminals) is part of letting go of shame. You can control your healing process. You can reach out for help, educate yourself about rape trauma syndrome and start therapy.

Remind yourself:

“I am a human being and deserve support from others in my efforts to address problems.”

“I deserve support and help to address these problems for my self-growth.”

Control over your life

Wanting to think you were in control during the assault (negative results):

Self blame is thought by some to be a way to feel one had never lost control over the situation. If it is your fault- then you always had control over things and you feel less vulnerable. This type of thinking is called past control or behavioral self-blame. Feeling this way is associated with more distress partly because it is associated with greater social withdrawal.

Thinking you are in control NOW (positive results):

Present control (control over the recovery process) is associated with less distress partly because it was associated with less social withdrawal and more cognitive restructuring. If you have control NOW (in the present) then there are actually productive things you can do to improve the situation (Frazier, 2005).

Ways you have control or can take control over your life NOW:

Learning about rape trauma syndrome. see: Effects of rape. Researchers find that learning about your condition assists in the healing process.

Learn about Victim blame or Self blame

Try this worksheet on changing counterfactual thoughts or the worksheet from The Courage to Heal (The Courage to Heal Workbook. Laura Davis. pp 257-260)

Seek therapy or counseling.
‘Walking the beauty path’ (transmuting the idea of normal to include the stigma- by watching the Vagina Monologues and viewing survivor sites).
Joining a support group. Inclusion of the victim into a community is helpful in reducing undeserved shame.The Challenge of Bonding.

A recommended type of treatment (by a trained therapist) is cognitive restructuring or cognitive therapy. Other recommended treatments for PTSD can be found here. This type of therapy helps with reduction in Behavioral Self-Blame. It is thought that reduction in Behavioral Self Blame drives recovery. (Koss & Figueredo, 2004)

Present control (control over the recovery process) is similar to learning about rape trauma syndrome and seeking therapy. Feeling that you did NOT control the assault but control the present situation is associated with less social withdrawal and more cognitive restructuring (Frazier, 2005). You control the present and can decide to take steps towards healing.

Suggested ways of getting rid of shame are:

The shame-rage connection
‘Walking the beauty path’ (transmuting the idea of normal to include the stigma- as in the Vagina Monologues)
Inclusion of the victim into a community (such as a support group) The Challenge of Bonding

Is self blame a negative thing? Yes.

Self blame is sometimes associated with avoidance coping which inhibits the healing process. (Littleton, 2006)

Another aspect to consider in understanding self blame is when the victim identifies with the perpetrator’s world view in order to understand what will help them survive. One such phenomenon is known as the Stockholm Syndrome.

“Victims of especially severe abuse often ‘identify with the abuser’ in order to survive. This means she will actually begin to agree with the criticisms and perspectives of the abuser while her own personality, opinions, and views fade to the background. This is a serious set of psychological events called the ‘Stockholm Syndrome.'”